73. Evening

In the evening the mix of sleet and rain stopped. The temperature rose into the low thirties and I sat on the back veranda muffled up against the cold. Fresh air of any temperature was welcome at Our Lady’s. Snow lay on the ground from the light blizzard that had been so cheery on Christmas morning. But when it continued to fall the next day, it seemed no more than the normal crappy weather of a Catskills winter .  The aroma of tobacco smoke drifted down to me and soon Agnes emerged from behind the stand of young pines that bordered the small open space behind the Chapter House.

“You needn’t hide it,” I said when he had crossed the yard and come up to sit across from me in one of the old rattan chairs.

“I know some of you smoked at one time," he said, "and I don’t want to tempt anyone.”

“Nor make them wonder where the money comes from to afford it,” I said

“I don’t have to answer that,” he bristled. As the abbot he was correct.

“A brother would have more consideration than you appear to have as an abbot,” I said.
He began to get up to leave.

”Don’t go, Agnes,” I said. He looked at me and then settled back in his chair. “What is your plan for us?” I asked.

He said nothing, but looked off the porch to where a small bird house hung from the eave of the adjoining building. Following his gaze, I thought he might honor me with the recitation of the parable about "the birds of the air" to assure me that God would take care of us. If he began with, “Consider the lilies of the field,” I planned for the first time in my religious life to take a punch at an abbot. Lucky for both of us, he said nothing.
“You can keep your own counsel,” I said, “but then you are not one of us.”
“I am indeed not one of you,” he said evenly. “I was sent to you. And you know why. This place will not survive. It has no funding, as I said at supper. None of this is news to you.”

“You haven’t been forthright about it since you arrived,” I said.

“Jesse,” said the abbot, “I have not been dishonest. I haven’t been ready to discuss the state of affairs because I had nothing to say about how we will handle the closing of the house. I’m sure you can imagine the many problems that will have to be solved.”

“Where is Terd?” I asked.

“I can’t say. ” said Agnes. “It’s not something I can discuss with you. I did not send him away.”

“Look, Agnes,” I said with some irritation in my voice, “I’m getting to be an old man and although I’ve been loyal and obedient to this Order for over three decades, my tolerance of bullshit is much less than it used to be. I think I can be helpful, but I need to know what’s happening here.”

“There are things that I have no authority to tell you,” he said.

“Then, if you must, break the rules or ignore confidences in telling me . We can apologize to whomever we need to later. These little secrets tiptoeing around us won’t mean a damned thing by this time next year when both you and I are gone from here.”
Agnes stood and looked down at me.

“You may be right. I’ll give it some thought,” he said.

The next morning he sent me across the river to talk to Terd.



Lion Sleeps Tonight - Straight No Chaser