60. Women

Judy in Saugerties writes and says, “Gee, for a monk, there were a lot of women in your life.”   Well, my mother was one, so I might be expected to have a special fondness for women. And I wasn’t brought up in a monastery.  I had a normal upbringing with girls in the neighborhood, girls in school, girls at work …  girls, girls, girls.  Also, I’m a normal male and it’s difficult to always keep from thinking about women.  Most of the religious brothers and priests I’ve met are not “take ‘em or leave ‘em” about women.  Some are, it’s true, but for most it’s a true sacrifice to lead one’s life without female companionship.

Still, I can’t say I was a natural ladies man  … far from it. Understand that I came from a family of boys, and I’m sure that’s pertinent.  We would not have wanted a sister,  but if one had been dropped off at our house for inspection, the three of us would surely have been polite as we walked around the girl and studied her, as a group of gallery patrons might scrutinize a bronze statue.  When she popped her chewing gum, we would have quickly run off like scattering monkeys.

When I entered junior high school and was forced into social functions with the opposite sex sooner than I wanted, I found myself unable to simply walk up to a girl and begin a conversation.  I knew that such was within the scope of male potential, because I saw other more confident boys doing so. But I couldn’t seem to manage small talk.  Even saying the word ‘dance’ felt so unmanly that when asking a girl to dance, all I could manage was, “Would you like to?”   Had an overly sensitive father been standing at her side, I  might have received a black eye.

One Friday night, after standing around  the edge of the dance floor doing nothing but trying to look cool,  I finally worked up the courage to ask a particular young lady if she would “like to.”  As we stepped out on the floor, I very gingerly took her hand and then swung around so that the two of us stood chest to chest,  a phrase I could never have said out loud.  I slid my arm around her and put my hand on her back.  That felt brazen and  intimate to me, but everyone around us was doing the same and so far no one had been arrested.

I felt brilliant about my accomplishment, until I realized I was expected to make conversation.  “Would you like to” was used up and at this point certainly not appropriate.  “Nice weather,” seemed banal, even to me, and “How’s school?” might not be successful if she had just failed an exam.

Finally, thinking it would be safe, I tried, “How’s your mother?” 

“What?” said my surprised partner.  “Do you know her?”

“No, I just thought that… ah .. we all need to care about our parents.”

The conversation didn’t go much further.

But eventually a girl came along who stayed in my arms after the dance ended, a girlfriend.  With her, my social abilities quickly expanded, although they were never to be a natural fit.