29. Tapioca

Most of the Brothers believe the monastery dog we call Tapioca to be an overly friendly retriever.  I think she’s the Devil incarnate.  She steals my socks and constantly begs for food.  Not just any food or the garbage, but the food on my plate, while I’m trying to eat it.  When I finish mopping and waxing the fine wooden floor of our refectory, she’ll come crashing through the door and slide across the beautiful oak boards, digging her nails in to stop herself, leaving long scratches across the new shine.  She sheds hair in great fistfuls, yet never seems to go bald.  In fact, she grows hair so fast she needs a haircut almost monthly.  Guess who is assigned the task?  Giving Tapioca a haircut is like trying to paint an unguided missile in flight.  You have to get hold of her around the neck and drag her into bathroom and flop her into the tub.  And if you want her to stay, you have to get in with her.  To top it all off, her breath stinks.  I’m reminded of it each time she wakes me up in the morning by barking in my face.

“If the Devil wanted to make a mess of things for us here,”  I said to Kickstart (Brother Winifred) one afternoon while we were changing the brake pads on the SUV, “in what form do you think he would appear on our doorstep?”

“There is no Devil,”  said Kickstart. “Fulton Sheen banished him.”

“There is evil, and you know it,” I replied.

“Yes, but no Devil,” said Kickstart.

“OK,” I said, “if there WERE a Devil.”

“As a beautiful woman,” he replied “who would tempt us and fool us and turn us all against each other and then run up credit card bills and have us paint the chapter house pink.”

“Kickstart,” I said, “you’re a misogynist.”

“No,” he replied, “I’m a bachelor.”

“I think the Devil would appear as a friendly dog,” I said.

“Tapioca colored?”  he asked.

“Maybe,” I said, “but certainly friendly and panting.  Following me around and jumping on my lap and getting up close to me while I eat my supper, sitting on the floor at my feet and rubbing up against my leg. 

“Yes, yes” he said enthusiastically, “and she can have all the credit cards she wants!”

“No, I meant …”

“Pink isn’t all that bad a color,” he interjected.

“Kickstart!  I’m talking about the Devil appearing as a dog!”

“He’d never do that,” said Kickstart, “He’d have to put up with you.”